Commentary #1 – Christmas!

John Varane
Yes, yes, yes! Christmas! Finally, Christmas–

The Word
I know, man. Seriously, I’ve been looking forward to this day since January. I am so, so, so happy, I’m going bananas right now.

John Varane
So, like, what’s Christmas like in Nigeria?

The Word
Hot.

John Varane
Hot is good.

The Word
This isn’t Britain hot. This is Africa hot, and Africa hot is bad. It fucks with your skin in ways you don’t wanna know. Plus, no electricity.

John Varane
You didn’t pay your bills again?

The Word
Asshole, when have I ever not paid my bills? Sporadic electricity supply is a common thing in Nigeria, bruv.

John Varane
England’s great, by the way.

The Word
Please, rub it in. I’ve got extra room on my face for your shitty look-at-me-I’m-happier-than-you cream. Bitch.

John Varane
[laughs]
Don’t be like that. It’s not a white Christmas, though. New year should be different.

The Word
Just imagine if my biggest problem in this country was whether I had a white Christmas or not.

John Varane
Come on, man–

The Word
Ok, fine. So, our very first blog post, man. Exciting!

John Varane
Yes!

The Word
A commentary post.

John Varane
Yeah. To those of you reading and wondering why everything’s appearing like this, basically what we do is, Word and I chat–

The Word
On Skype–

John Varane
— and then we transcribe it and put it up here as a commentary post. We love it. It’s great.

The Word
It’s suffer-head.

John Varane
What’s that?

The Word
It’s a slang–

John Varane
Well, obviously–

The Word
— we’re taking the trouble to do something that has already been done. I mean, this conversation has already been recorded. And now YOU have to painstakingly transcribe everything, word for word! We could’ve just put up the audio commentary for people to listen to and download.

John Varane
Duh. That was my idea. You shut it down.

The Word
I’m not taking credit for your dumbass idea.  I’m just trying to illustrate a point. We’re going through all this trouble to ensure that no one knows who. We. Are.

John Varane
I don’t mind people knowing who I am. I’m not a trouble maker. Unlike someone I know…

The Word
That’s sweet.

John Varane
What’d you get your mum for Christmas?

The Word
Nothing.

John Varane
What’d you get your girlfriend for Christmas?

The Word
Nothing.

John Varane
Mate, where’s your Christmas spirit? God! I got my girlfriend a lovely sweater.

The Word
A sweater. Really?

John Varane
Yeah. A lovely sweater. She loves it.

The Word
[silence]

John Varane
What? You’ve got a problem with sweaters?

The Word
No. Just wondering what my girlfriend would say if I got her a sweater. My very Nigerian girlfriend. A sweater.

John Varane
I’m sure she’ll like it.

The Word
Oh, you’d be surprised.

John Varane
How about we tell our readers, who amount to zero at the moment, what we plan on doing on our blog over the next couple of months.

The Word
Zero. Chai. You gotta be that harsh?

John Varane
Truth always hurts.

The Word
We’re going to be uploading episodes of our series. Which will be caaaaaaaaaalled…

John Varane
We don’t have a name for it. Yet. We were going for “L.A.G”, which is sort of a reference to that University in Lagos, the one you talked about, cos that’s where the story’s based–

The Word
But then we thought it was lame. Or not. We’ll decide soon enough.

John Varane
But, mate, the big one–

The Word
Our adapted screenplay!

John Varane
So, we have this adapted screenplay we’ve been working on. It’s based on Tunde Leye’s Finding Hubby! Which I read, cos Word asked me to–

The Word
And you loved it.

John Varane
I did. Very much.

The Word
The screenplay’s just a … sort of an academic study on Nigerian movies. Like, I always shit on Nigerian movies cos they’re really, really bad, and I figured, hey, what would my ideal Nigerian movie be like? So, John and I picked Finding Hubby as our case study and we wrote a screenplay.

John Varane
We’ll upload it in the coming weeks and talk about it extensively.

The Word
I think that’s about it for today.

John Varane
Merry Christmas, man.

The Word
Merry Christmas to you too, John.

John Varane
And stop being a dick and get your mum a Christmas present. Get her a sweater.

The Word
Dude, there are some things you should never give a Nigerian woman.

John Varane
Everybody loves sweaters!!

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